Cultivating Resiliency

It is human nature not to want to put ourselves through pain or risk our lives. And emotional pain and embarrassment can feel just as strong as physical pain, and are modulated by some of the same biological processes. We constantly hear the whisper in our ears “just give up,” “who do you think you are?,” “why did you think this was a good idea in the first place?”

The energy it takes to change, to be a different version of ourselves, is immense. Our brains only know the paths of the decisions we have made in the past. Those neural pathways in our brains have become well worn through us making similar decisions over and over. Trying to etch a new path in our brains is like trying to clear a new hiking path in a forest. That first time we try to venture off the well worn path into the dense landscape of trees and plants will feel strange and counterintuitive. The path ahead is not clearly marked; what if we make a wrong turn and get lost? What if we get stuck by an obstacle in the way?

And in no time at all our primitive brain will be there to remind us “Why don’t you just go back? You know there is a clear path back there, with no uncertainty.” And when we feel stuck in our new route, it will feel so tempting to do that. The lies of comfort will begin to come. “This is too hard.” “You can’t do this.” “This just isn’t who you are.”

So the question is, what separates those who keep going, slowly trudging through the dense path, sometimes having to turn around and go back a little and try a different route, but always taking steps to move us closer to our final destination, verses those of us who give into the voice in our head and give up, deciding to settle for our lives the way they were, telling ourselves it wasn’t so bad?

Our resilience, which essentially comes down to our willingness to experience any emotion. The American Psychological Association describes resilience this way: the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands. When things become challenging and we begin to feel doubt, fear, embarrassment, vulnerability, uncertainty creep in, are we able to endure those? Or do we immediately turn and look for a way out, deciding our old, unfulfilled life was better than having to feel these feelings?

How have we shown up in the past when faced with difficult or uncertain situations? If we have given up in the past, again, those neural pathways are strong and tempting. But if we have proved to ourselves we could persevere when faced with challenges in the past, we are more likely to trust that we can do it again.

And so the greatest challenge is for those of us who have typically given up in the past. We have the densest forest to go through. And we will need help. As a follower of Jesus, I look to my faith to help me, trusting that there is a higher power that is helping me, giving me strength because mine alone is not sufficient. 

And while I do believe a spiritual practice and relationship is immensely helpful, with or without it we still need others around us to also help us. We need accountability partners. We need those who have faced similar difficulties in their own lives to provide us wisdom and mentoring about how they made it through. And we need some one who can also see the person we desire to become and fully believe in our ability to get there. 

Trudging a new path in a forest alone will be much harder than if you have one or two trusted people with you, especially if they have had experience doing this before. Though we must cultivate our own belief and cannot rely on others to do it for us, they can certainly help in our process of getting there. We were made to live in relationship with others, not isolated and alone. Find some one to you trust, that you can be open and honest to express your worries and concerns, who will understand with empathy, but who will not let you stay there, because they believe in the future version of you who you want to become.

Change is hard. But the confidence you begin to build in yourself when you show up and do hard things makes it all worth it. And the best part? Once you do it in one area of your life, it becomes much easier to believe you can do it in another area.

There is nothing wrong with you the way you are. But I believe we were made to be ever changing, ever evolving. Learning to become less selfish (our natural tendency), and more selfless, filled with love, generosity, and a joy for each day.